would've could've might've

The girl on the bike was just a tiny slip of a thing, perhaps 13, perhaps 17, no older, no younger, I don't imagine.  She had her pretty brunette hair pulled back in a pony tail this morning, and I am deeply, deeply grateful that I did not crush her with my car this morning.

 

I was only 5 minutes into my daily commute, and hence still within the confines of cute little town where I live, on my way to big city downtown where I work*.  I was almost to the library, and the town was decorated for the 4th with bunting and flags, and I was looking at the decorations and feeling happy, feeling almost blissful at how adorable it all looked, and thinking that I needed to fish into my purse to find my phone to call my mother to ask what time she wanted us for dinner this evening, and I was pulling through the light just west of the library and town square and thinking about reaching for my purse to find my phone, when, out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of yellow t-shirt, and then, there she was, THERE SHE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR and brakes slammed-tires swerved-horns honked and my car stopped (thank you God thank you very very very much my car stopped) just inches from her and the fear on her face as her bike hit the curb and she fell over, she fell over but SHE WAS NOT CRUSHED (thank you God she was not crushed), and my hands shook as I tried to find the button to roll the window down, to speak to her as she picked up her bike to walk it over the curb across the grass to the sidewalk, and she was crying and I was shaking and I said, "Are you okay?? Are you okay?" and she cried "Yes, I'm fine, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have turned" and I realized that traffic was backing up behind me and pulled forward and drove away.  The man who had been directly behind me pulled up next to me at the next light.  He was looking at me, and I was looking at him, and my fingers still shook as I rolled my window down, and he did the same.

 

"Did I run that light?" I asked, voice shaky.

 

"No," he said.  "It was green, it had been green for a while, it was still green.  I don't know where she came from.  I don't know which one of you looks more terrified right now...but, it was green.  Are you okay to drive?" 

 

And I nodded my head and probably looked very much like I WASN'T okay to drive, but, the light turned and I pulled onto the highway entrance ramp anyway, and my fingers, really, my fingers didn't stop shaking until I sat down at my desk. 

 

And I cannot help but dwell on what might have happened, what could have happened, had I been reaching for my bag, had I been dialing my phone, had I been distracted further from the road.  It would have been cold comfort to me, to know I was in the right, to know the light was green, if I had crushed her beneath my tires. 

 

*by which I mean, big city for the part of the country where I live - I mean, clearly, not big city like Chicago or New York or anything