She Loves Me Not
We had a difficult day on Saturday with Lana. I have several theories on why it was so hard, but, who knows, really?
Her schedule had been all messed up since Wednesday, as Wednesday evening we had a Lenten dinner and lecture at church (during which Lana happily went to the children's program with her cousins and brother), and Thursday we were at the T~'s house having Vietnamese food and didn't get home until 10:45 PM, and then Friday night my niece, Taylor, spent the night.
Gabe and Lana and Taylor played well together, until it was time to go to bed. As is customary for when Gabriel and Taylor have sleepovers (and they've been having sleepovers for 3 or 4 years now), I put in a movie and put them, along with Lana, into the guest room to watch a movie and drift off to sleep.
Except, that's not what happened because Lana does not have 3 years of cousin-sleep-over-experience to draw on. She did not lay down quietly (and it was 10:00 by this time and way past her usual 8:30 bedtime for the 3rd night in a row.)
So, I ended up turning the movie off for a few minutes, and taking Lana to her room and putting her to bed by herself. And she fell asleep. Until she was awoken by Gabe and Taylor having an argument about (of all things) the Statue of Liberty. (Taylor had recently been to New York City with my brother, and she insisted that you could go INSIDE the statue. Gabriel had been studying the Statue at school, where his teacher had told them that visitors were no longer allowed inside the statue. If any New Yorkers are reading this please let me know which of them was right!!)
Anyway, the ridiculous argument woke Lana up, and she was crying and upset (probably feeling left out of the fun, but, what was I supposed to do? If she won't lay down and fall asleep to the movie, what are my options, really?)
She fell back to sleep with some comforting from David, and Taylor and Gabriel fell asleep soon after. Taylor and Gabe were up again at 7:30 AM (what the heck??), but, Lana slept until 9:45. There was arguing about whose My Little Pony was whose, and arguing about this and that. Typical arguing among children who haven't had enough sleep, nothing out of the ordinary.
My brother came to pick up Taylor, and we went out the mall to run some errands.
Lana was absolutely atrocious at the mall. She ran away from us, she refused to hold anyone's hand, she pushed another little girl...David ended up practically dragging her by her arm because she was refusing to walk if either of us tried to hold her hand. There was fit throwing and screaming.
We went home without our errands finished because she was just being impossible.
Around 7:00, David and Gabriel left to go finish the errands, and I planned to give Lana a bath and put her to bed on time.
The best laid plans of mice and men...
Lana lost her mind when David left the house with Gabriel. She went ABSOLUTELY BANANAS. She tried to run after him, running into the garage as she tried to put her shoes on (after he had driven away). She screamed. She bawled. She was in hysterics.
I put some water in the bathtub and she ran away from me yelling "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO". She ran into her bedroom and LOCKED THE DOOR. When she came out of her room she was wearing pajamas and running shoes. I physically tried to pick her up and take her into the bathroom, telling her she needed to get clean. She is strong. She made it physically impossible for me to get her into the tub, or even out of her pjs. She ran down the stairs and back into the garage, screaming, "BA! Ba! Ba! Ba! Ba!" (Daddy).
I dragged her back in the house. I offered her food. She refused. I told her it was bedtime and she went into her room and threw herself on her bed and cried and kicked some more. I offered to read her a book. "NO BOOK! NO BOOK!" she screamed. I sang her a song (the one I usually sing at bedtime) and she screamed "NO MOMMY NO MOMMY! NO LOVE YOU! NO LOVE YOU! NO LOVE YOU!"
She was covered with tears and snot. I told her I loved her - she pushed me away from her. I told her Ba would be here when she woke up in the morning. I closed the door. Her angry cries turned to sad cries. "Ba...Ba....Ba....Ba..." I went in the room to comfort her and she screamed "NO MOMMY! NO MOMMY!" again. When I left she switched from crying "Ba" to crying "Daddy...Daddy...Daddy".
It is hard to hear a child tell you they don't love you. And when she says, "no mommy" sometimes, I believe what she is saying is that I am NOT her mommy. It is painful to hear this from a child you have, literally, been to the ends of the earth for. I will be honest and say that, mostly what I felt about her, at that moment, was frustration and anger and hopelessness. She fell asleep a little before 8:00, and I laid in my bed and cried for a while. I turned on the TV and saw that the Oxygen Network had attempted to turn Margaret Atwood's The Robber Bride (one of my favorite books) into a movie, so, I watched that for a while. (Um...they tried, and they used Mary Louise Parker as Xenia, but...it really didn't work out very well.) When David and Gabe came home, I told them about the last two hours and I curled up like a lump on the couch to watch the end of the movie.
Lana woke up, and David went to comfort her. She was furious with him, but, she did quiet down. Ten minutes later she was screaming "bafroom, havva go bafroom" and I went up to take her to the potty. She pushed me away, and then she saw David was right behind me. She jumped into his arms crying, "bafroom, bafroom" - he took her to the bathroom and she fell asleep again. She was up once more at 11:30, but, went back to sleep when David tucked her back in. She slept the rest of the night and was in a much better mood yesterday.
She finally consented to a shower (she has lately decided that she hates water worse than a skittish cat), but, yesterday, we finally had a clean child with no tears and no screaming, a first for her in the last three weeks.
And this morning, she came to me for comfort when she woke up, and let me help her get her clothes on. She happily got in the car to go to school, and, when I was threading the seat belt through her car seat, she kissed my cheek and say, "Love you, Mommy."
I'm trying to focus on that postive response. It's not easy. But, I'm trying to focus on it.
Gretchen
posted by Gretchen W @ 10:20 AM
7 Comments:
That is SO hard, when your child won't let you comfort them, and even throws out the "don't love you" card. I think my daughter knows that is my button and will push it from time to time. (she also says, "I wish I had another family"). But I'm glad Lana is warming back up to you... this bonding is such a process and it's not always progressive, some days we slide back a bit.
Oh my God Gretchen that is so hard. Your poor Mama's heart! You need a hug girl. Hang in there. I'm scared my little guy has a Mama who probably still visits him. Thank you for sharing.
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Dearest Gretchen,
Each of my children, when they were around Lana's age, favored either David or I for weeks at a time. That part of her behavior sounds familiar. From the last two posts, it seems as though she is revisiting her mourning for her foster mother and brother. It's likely to happen periodically. There is no father for her to mourn so Dave is an unambiguous parental figure for her. She also doesn't have a lot of language possiblities for describing her feelings.
There isn't any way for you to make the integration period happen faster. It will take the time it takes. Of course your emotional response is as uncontrollable as her's is so the pain of her short term rejection isn't going to be assuaged by reason. Time..Time..Time, and shared family experiences will draw the two of you into the mother/daughter relationship you long for. I'm sure you know that intellectually. Sometimes being an adult just sucks...
Love,
Aunt Harriet
Wow it sounds like you are definitely in need of our girls night out on Thursday! Josh says things sometimes that should hurt my feelings (my mom tells me they should be hurt anyway) but I figure he's 3 and probably not the worse things he will ever say to me. Last week we were getting ready to leave the house for work/school. He absolutely refused to put his shoes on and I told him he could choose to do it himself or I would do it for him, but we needed to get going. His response was "when I'm big I am going back to Russia and I am taking my furniture with me!" (he just moved into his big boy room the week before). I responded with that's fine, but we still have to go and we still have to put shoes on which we eventually did. Josh was not quite one when we adopted him so these comments about leaving are few and far between as his knowledge of Russia is what we share with him (he's 3 now). Lana was older when you adopted her so she will just need some time. Just know that at some point, she will want just you and not David. She does love you - and you know that. She's just testing the waters.
Wow it sounds like you are definitely in need of our girls night out on Thursday! Josh says things sometimes that should hurt my feelings (my mom tells me they should be hurt anyway) but I figure he's 3 and probably not the worse things he will ever say to me. Last week we were getting ready to leave the house for work/school. He absolutely refused to put his shoes on and I told him he could choose to do it himself or I would do it for him, but we needed to get going. His response was "when I'm big I am going back to Russia and I am taking my furniture with me!" (he just moved into his big boy room the week before). I responded with that's fine, but we still have to go and we still have to put shoes on which we eventually did. Josh was not quite one when we adopted him so these comments about leaving are few and far between as his knowledge of Russia is what we share with him (he's 3 now). Lana was older when you adopted her so she will just need some time. Just know that at some point, she will want just you and not David. She does love you - and you know that. She's just testing the waters.
As heart breaking as it must have been, I hope that as fiercely as she screamed and yelled yesterday, she will eventually hold fast to your love with as much passion and spirit. Keep your chin up and know that you are not going through this alone!!!
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