The View from Probate Court

Lana and Gabriel on Lana's final adoption hearing day - April 26, 2007

Like Athena...

Lana is fascinated by photographs. She pours over them with complete concentration, sifting through them, sorting them, putting them in different piles and re-arranging the piles.

She also loves to look at Gabriel's baby book. I will admit that I am a lousy "scrapbooker" and that, as yet, Gabriel's baby book is kind of haphazardly put together, not necessarily in chronological order. But, Lana loves to look at it anyway, and yet, each time she looks at it, she is a little bit agitated and upset.

"This is Gabriel?" she asks, pointing to a photo. "This is Gabriel and Yi Stace?" she asks, pointing another photo. "Gabriel and Nana? Gabriel and Mommy? Gabriel and cat?"

These questions always lead to the same place. The same question ultimately rears it's head. "Where Lana? Where Lana pictures, Mommy?"

When Lana is pointing to a picture of Gabriel as a baby and a toddler, it is easier (for me) to answer these questions. "Lana wasn't born yet." Is an easy answer. Lana doesn't necessarily comprehend that answer, but, at least it's not an answer that leaves me with a sense of uneasiness. The answer would be the same, even if Lana had been born to us.

Gabriel was about 2 and a half when Lana was born in Da Nang. The photos she asks about of him at this age - I find it difficult to answer her. One set of photos in particular has bothered me since I made an effort, a few weeks ago, to determine what I happened to be doing on the day Lana was born.

I went back through my Yahoo! email account, trying to find an email to me or from me, sent on that day, which would give me an idea of what I had been doing. But, there was only one email from that day. I only save personal emails, but, I tend to send personal emails (at least one or two short ones) every single day. But, from that day, November 5, 2002, there is only one email. From my Labor Law professor, advising me on a question I had sent him a few days earlier, about a paper I was writing comparing the collective bargaining laws of Ohio and Michigan.*

In fact that is the only email in my account from October 28 to November 6, 2006. So, I opened up a November 6 email and determined why there was no correspondence during those days.

My cousin E~ had gotten married in Los Angeles that year on November 2. Gabriel and I flew to L.A. with my mom, my step-dad, my grandmother and my aunt. I didn't return home until November 5.

The upside of this is that I know what Gabriel and I were doing. We were flying from L.A. to Detroit.

The photographs that make me...what? Uneasy? Sad? Melancholy? Guilty? Something that cannot be named precisely? They are the photos from that trip. Gabriel dressed up to go trick or treating in Simi Valley with my cousin's son. Gabriel and I and my aunt visiting some botanical gardens with my friend Jennifer, with whom I had taught English in Japan. Gabriel and I at my cousin's wedding, and later at my cousin's wedding reception. Gabriel dancing to the Irish band who played at that wedding reception. Gabriel and my mom and I, shopping Little Tokyo in Los Angeles. Gabriel seeing the ocean for the first time.

On one hand, I am glad to know what I was doing those days, those days in which Lana was making her way into this world. But, in other ways, I look at those photographs and I realize that Lana, Bich Lan, was not even on my radar screen.

I did not know, then, what I know now. That my daughter was out there, on the other side of the planet. At the time, I believed that Gabriel would be an only child. At the time, I could not conceive of mothering another child.

Lana was born, on the other side of the planet, roughly at the same time Gabriel and I were flying home from L.A. We came home, we went about our lives. I finished that paper on collective bargaining. I went to Immigration Law and Labor Law and Environmental Law classes. I took exams. I went to work twice a week at my job as a clerk for a huge law firm. Gabriel went to daycare. David went to school everyday to teach biology and English. Our lives were not interrupted by the birth of a child.

It's amazing to me, when I look at Lana, who seems (from my point of view) to have sprung magically into my life, fully formed as a four-year-old creature...logically I know she did not spring forth in this form, she is not Athena sprung from Zeus's skull. She came to this world in the usual way. It is only AFTER that that her life became unusual. She did not come to our family in the usual way, which has me sitting in an unusual seat - asking my child, my CHILD, my DAUGHTER, questions about her life BEFORE ME. She has a whole history that I don't know much about. And I find myself almost desperate to know.

We are lucky - we are not without any information. We have photographs, mostly from 2004 onward. From July of 2004 through December 2006, we have four pictures taken every three months. Twelve photos per year for 2005 and 2006, and 6 pictures from 2004, provided to us by our agency. Prior to that, our agency's child update reports regarding Lan contain no photographs. We do have one picture of Lana, taken as a teeny tiny screaming infant, and a package of 24 photographs, all taken on the same day of June in 2003. We also have 8 pictures that her foster mother gave us in a small album, on the day we met with her. We are lucky to have even this much information. I know other children who came home with much less. But, I still wish I had something more, something more to help her remember her life before, and for us to know these things as well.

This morning Lana surprised me by being able to express something of her prior life. She was looking at one of the photos taken of her in Vietnam. In the picture she is wearing a white dress with sailboats on the front, and holding two bottles of Tiger Beer. (Yes, really.) The bottles are capped, so, it's not like she is DRINKING the beer. It looks more like she is walking with the beer to give it to someone. I have OFTEN wondered the circumstances surrounding this photo, which was taken by one of Holt's social workers, but not provided to us until after her "assignment" to us - it was not included in the child reports we were given at the time we were asking to be matched to her.

Anyway, Lana was looking at the picture and she pointed and said, "Oh! Mommy! Lana Happy Birthday! Lana Happy Birthday Party! Lana party, Mommy. Lana, party, picture." I was skeptical at first, Lana being somewhat obsessed with wondering when we will have a birthday party for her. (She has been to about 7 birthday parties for various family and friends since we have been home. She WANTS a party for Lana, that much is clear.) But, I checked the date on the photograph - it is dated by our agency as "Nov. 12, 2005". Only a week after her birthday. So, I believe her, and it's a little piece of her life, for me to know. That on her third birthday, someone cared enough to have a birthday party for her. It's not a lot, but, it's something. I'm hoping that, as her language ability increases, she will be able to look over the other photos, and share something of their circumstances, before those memories start to become fuzzy to her.

Gretchen

Some Interesting Linguistic Jumps

Last night, Lana was standing by the sink, washing plastic dishes. (This was after a minor fit that she threw when David refused to allow her to wash the knives and a glass bowl. Lana is a very thorough dishwasher, but, "gentle" isn't really part of her vocabulary.)

Anyway, Lana was washing the dinner dishes that could neither be hurt by or hurt her, while I was putting coffee in the coffee maker for morning (you know, with the delayed-timer function) - and I said to David, "How many scoops of coffee do you think I should put in?"

Lana answered, "One." Simutaneously, David answered, "Four and a half."

What impressed me with this was not Lana's (lousy) coffee making skills (one scoop of coffee for 8 cups?? Come on!) - but rather, that she recognized that a "how many" question required a numerical answer.

Deciding to test her comprehension skills further, I said, "Lana - who likes coffee?"

Lana immediately answered, "Um...BA! And Mommy! And...um...Yi Stace!!" ("Yi Stace" is what she calls my sister, Stace.)

It's amazing to me, how much she understands, and how much she makes herself understood. (This morning, she made it very clear to David that Mommy would have let her eat fruit snacks in the car and that his refusal to let her eat fruit snacks in HIS car was a cause of immense displeasure to her.) (Sure, it sounded something like "Mommy car froooot snack eat! Wanna eat frooooot snack Ba car!! Wanna eat froooot snack now, Ba!!" But, she made herself understood - perfectly.) (It's true. I do let her eat fruit snacks in the car...does this make me public enemy number one? Or just dental enemy number one?)

Gretchen

Sleep and Happy Easter

Lana has slept with Gabriel for the past three nights and significantly more amounts of sleep have been had in our house.

 

Lana's first Easter was impressive to her.  I believe I have mentioned before that she is a candy fiend, so, any event that brings her MORE CANDY is really tops with her.   She has picked up the words, "Wow" and "Awesome" from her pre-school pals.  She repeated them constantly over the weekend.

 

On Saturday morning, she and Gabriel attended an Easter Egg hunt at my mom's church,  She LOVED this.  She wouldn't leave Gabriel's side and he helped her find her 12 eggs while he found his 12 eggs. 

 

From there, we went to my mom's house for egg dying and lunch.  Lana really enjoyed coloring the easter eggs, and then she and Gabe and their cousin T~ had another impromptu Easter Egg hunt around my mom's house.  They were using plastic eggs, but, my brother and I remembered (and laughed about) the year that our parents hid real eggs around the house, and then 2 of them could not be found, and didn't show up until about 8 weeks later.  With a horrific smell.  Probably our parents didn't laugh about it AT THE TIME, but, it was funny in retrospect.

 

We drove up to my in-laws house in Michigan late Saturday afternoon.  Saturday night, Lana and Gabriel slept in my in-laws guestroom on a futon couch.  (You know, the kind that folds down into a bed?  Incidentally, these "futon couches" bear very little resemblance to the futons that David and I slept on the year that we lived in Japan...) 

 

Anyway, Lana and Gabe slept fairly well, with Lana only waking up once to go to the bathroom around 4:00 AM, and she went right back to sleep.  At 8:00 AM, Gabriel came into the room where David and I were sleeping and said, "Lana's not in bed." 

 

"What do you mean, Lana's not in bed?"  I asked.   (I was dead asleep, which is the only explanation I can give for such a stupid question.)

 

"I mean, she's not there."  Gabe said.

 

I got up and went out into the living room and kitchen, to see if she was with my in-laws.  The house was dark and quiet - my in-laws had already left for 8:00 mass.  I checked both bathrooms, and Lana was not in either of them.  I went back into the guest room, and looked UNDER the futon couch.  There was Lana, sleeping peacefully, under the futon.  Since she has been so sleep deprived lately, I didn't want to risk waking her up by moving her, so, I left her there.  She slept under there for another hour.  (Does this make me the world's most horrible mother?)

 

We missed going to church, but, since my in-laws church does not have a children's chapel during service, and while I thought I would feel horrible about that, I really don't feel too bad about it.  I was not looking forward to trying to get Gabe and Lana to sit still for an hour in a packed sanctuary. 

 

We had a wonderful meal with David's extended family - ham, pototoes, perogi, kielbasa, etc. Everyone ate too much. This was Lana' first experience eating baked ham (at least in the US) and she LOVED IT. She was less impressed with perogi and kielbasa (I guess she's not secretly Polish.  Is anyone surprised?)

I will try to post some pictures later today.

 

Gretchen

 

 

 

 

Tired

I am SO TIRED. Seriously, so very very tired.

I am not sure what happened to this child who formerly slept like the dead. I miss that child. Because THIS child, this child who has not been sleeping so much for the past few weeks, is EXHAUSTING ME.

We had two nights where she was up screaming like a banshee at 1:00 AM. Then we had some nights where she didn't scream, she just kind of moaned and yelled in her sleep on and off all night long. Nights where she wakes up needing to go the bathroom and then begs to sleep with Mommy or Daddy or Gabriel.

Yesterday, I took the day off and Dave and I drove to Ikea with the intention of getting a loft bed with a desk for Gabriel's room and a bed with a trundle for Lana's room, so that Gabriel can sleep with her occasion. (They both ask to be able to sleep in the same room on a fairly regular basis, so, I thought if her bed had a trundle bed then Gabe could sleep in there for a few nights and maybe Lana would go back to sleeping 10 to 12 hours per night.)

Anyway, we got to Ikea and were totally overwhelmed by the gazillion possibilities. And overwhelmed by how VERY MANY PEOPLE were there on a Thursday at 10:30 in the morning.

So, finally, after 2 hours of wandering around trying to find what we wanted, we settled on the Tromso loft bed and desk for Gabriel (you can see them here http://www.ikea.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?topcategoryId=15558&catalogId=10103&storeId=12&productId=11534&langId=-1&categoryId=15619&chosenPartNumber=50019950 and here http://www.ikea.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10103&storeId=12&langId=-1&productId=50797 ) and we wanted the Robin bed and trundle bed for Lana's room. (This http://www.ikea.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10103&storeId=12&langId=-1&productId=68614)

Problematically, they were sold out of the bed and trundle bed. AND THEY HAD NO OTHER TRUNDLE BEDS available either. NONE.

I'm sorry. This is freaking IKEA. Reasonably priced Swedish furniture solutions!! HOW CAN THEY HAVE NO TRUNDLE BEDS AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE?? HOW???

And THEN, despite following their instructions for actually locating the boxes we needed for Gabe's bed and desk, we were not able to actually find them. We had to find an IKEA employee (no easy task considering the place was SWAMPED) and they took us to the aisle/bin where the boxes were supposed to be, and low and behold, the boxes were not there. So THEN a manager had to be located, who had to make phone calls, who spoke to someone who said that, "oh, yes, those desks had to be moved to different location because of x, y or z." (I don't remember). So, THEN, we had to go that aisle to find the desk, which was sitting in a bin marked, "MALM Queen Sized Bed Frame". Which the bin WASN'T, because it was filled with boxes of Gabriel's desk. So, heaven help any IKEA customers who wanted the MALM bed frame...

Anyway, we got it home and Husband put the bed and desk together and Lana was ticked because Gabe got a new bed and she didn't. So, we told her she could sleep in Gabe's room in her sleeping bag.

And there was much getting up and down by the children, and then there was much screaming and yelling about them not being asleep and lines were drawn in the sand about what was going to happen if a parent had to come into the bedroom again, and then, of course, we had to go back in, and then Lana was made to go and sleep in her own bed and all hell broke loose. By which I mean she screamed for about an hour (during which time I had a complete and utter meltdown because she has been giving us a hard time with sleeping for two weeks now and I've just about reached the end of my damn rope) and she finally fell asleep in her own bed, against her will, around 10:45. And then she was up screaming and yelling at 12:15, and she refused to go the bathroom, and then when put back in her bed she demanded to go to the bathroom, and then claimed that she was in pain but couldn't identify where, and I gave up and took her into the guest room where she fell asleep and I kind of fell asleep, except that she woke up every now and then to cry for no apparent reason for a minute or two, which would wake me up and then it takes me a while to get back to sleep, and then she would cry for a minute or two again and the whole stupid cycle began again.

Anyway, the point is, I'm tired. And fed up with this sleep nonsense.

This mornign she woke up and announced that she "NO SLEEP IN LANA'S BED. NO SLEEP THERE." And, frankly, I was tempted to chuck her and the bed out the window.

Anyway, I have no idea what to do about this situation. We have been to the doctor and she is not sick. Any advice would be appreciated.

Gretchen